Obama promises full support. Baseball bats are on the way
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania: July 26, 2014–
At one minute before midnight last night, an irate governor Tom Corbett issued a ringing declaration of war against Turkey. He identified the Turkish prime minister, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, as the primary aggressor against the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. “Let him remember the time of his doom!” yelled Corbett, “Von minut! Von minut!… before midnight!” hollered the governor, ridiculing the prime minister’s limited English vocabulary. The crowd went wild, repeatedly shouting “Pennsylvania is proud of you!’ and “We will die for you, our beloved governor!”
“I’m mad as hell and the people aren’t going to take it anymore!” noted the governor. “Every time we open the TV we see this Turkish bozo mouthing off about Pennsylvania. What’s his problem?” This brought the state lawmakers to their feet cheering. “Shut him up! “Shut him up!” they yelled. And this time they didn’t mean the governor.
The White House reported that President Obama was immediately awakened when the news broke. After being briefed he issued the following statement:
“I understand fully Governor Corbett’s decision. Any state in the United States that is slandered by the likes of this Turkish prime minister has the right to not only defend itself, but to attack without notice. I have notified the defense department to issue baseball bats to each and every Pennsylvania resident. They have my full support. And may God bless Pennsylvania. Good night.”
With 12 million people, Pennsylvania is America’s 9th most populous state. It was founded in 1681 by William Penn, a Quaker and pacifist. He immediately signed a peace treaty with the Delaware Indians which was never violated. It has police and state national guard forces and powerful athletic teams. At first it would seem like laughable competition for a NATO army like Turkey’s. At a news conference after his war declaration Governor Corbett laughed uproariously at that idea. “We know exactly what that guy did to his own army. It’ll take us two weeks to get to Ankara. And one minute, tops, to get to the bigmouth. Trust me.” The TV cameramen all shouted, “We trust you, esteemed governor.” Later, Rocky Balboa was seen running in the streets of Philadelphia.
The governor’s dramatic announcement, the first time any individual American state had ever gone to war with a foreign nation, was broadcast live on radio and television as well as streamed on social media. Millions of angry Pennsylvanians flooded into the Pennsylvania streets. Many carried, some even wore, their caskets indicating that this war would be a fight to their death. Many said that nobody has a right to falsely accuse Pennsylvania. “We will teach this creep a lesson he will never forget,” said Mary Murphy, a Philadelphia secretary.
Jerry Companello, a retired coalminer from Scranton was excited about the coming war with Turkey. “That clown blames us every time he messes up. He gets caught stealing billions of dollars. He yells, Hey Pennsylvania! A coal mine caves in. Hundreds die. He goes to the funerals and then punches out mourners. Then he yells, Hey Pennsylvania! His tunnels spring leaks and his fast trains fly off the tracks and…Hey, sabotage! Hey Pennsylvania, you did it!” Companello shrugged his shoulders and threw up his hands in disgust…”Hey Turkey! What’s the matter with that guy?”